A list of Occupy Toronto Demands

 

I know that no one speaks for the #OccupyToronto group, but as a Canadian and a resident of the great city of Toronto here is a list of demands that will help to acquiesce this gentle but fierce population:

 

• We want better weather, dammit.  We know that you global corporations have had weather altering technology for years, and we are sick of getting the short end of the stick when it comes to wind, snow, ice, etc.  Do you know how cold it gets when the wind comes in off the lake or walking down Front street?  Fix this.  We are 99% frozen.
• What is up with our hockey teams?  We want more Stanley cups and a guaranteed win every two years.  This is not too much to ask considering we invented the bloody thing.  Same with basketball, and I don’t care about the controversy on the sports origins — these are demands they don’t need to be rational, ok?
• We need better economists.  The ones we’ve got here keep talking about doom and gloom and half the time I think they’re guessing.  We need happier economists with sunnier dispositions and great hair.  The economists I’m talking about would light up a room at a funeral.  If this doesn’t work then at least load the ones up that we have with anti-depressants.
• We want more gravy.  Rob Ford is against gravy, I’m for it.  I ordered some poutine the other day, it was like a gravy bone yard.  Hardly even a speck and the cheese was too stringy.  This simply has to stop.
• One word:  piñatas.  These things are hilarious and a great symbol for how the HST works, the government whacks us every time we make a purchase and a little bit of candy comes out.
• We want more transit.  But I’m not talking about busses or trains here, I mean limousines.  We can load them up, drop everyone off and then cruise the streets standing up out the sun roof.  It’s a great plan, do the math.
• We want more political parties.  I mean the kind where we get pretty loaded and talk politics, THIS is how we fix the country.  But no no-name beer that stuff is gross.

So, these are the demands.  We insist that they be delivered as soon as it’s convenient if you don’t mind.

Signed,

A Concerned Citizen